miscellaneous

Why is it so easy to make me highly unmotivated?
What was it?
I don't even remember what makes me down, in the first place, today.

Somehow, sometimes,
something is just really off.
I can not pull myself up.
It almost feels like I am letting myself being dragged.

Am I always this weak?

Long time no see.

Here I am again.

Ciggies, and sad songs.
Would be great if I have any kind of happy drink, but all I can afford is just a water. Also would be great if I am Jesus so I can turn water into wine, but He has a lot of responsibilites so I would never want to be Him.

In the end of the day, we only have ourselves.

But not for me.

I have ciggies, and sad songs.

Another night of listening to Submarine's Original Fucking Soundtracks by Alex Turner.
Thank you, Alex Turner.
You don't know how much I worship your sad songs.

Here I am again.

Not complaining about being all alone.

Maybe that was the worst heart break I ever felt. Hopefully it was.
I've been through many kind of heart breaks. I know there are more to dive in.
I am not afraid. Nor ready for them.
I am just trying my best not to run from ones.
Life is about surviving, isn't it?

I've been on a serious heart break. The moment I thought I would lose everything. Yes, you probably assume some bad things. Yes, those-thoughts-of-yours happened, maybe.
But I didn't lose myself. I survived. I had to. Even if I have to lose everything I own, I don't want to lose myself.

Years passed. I live with what's left, scars.

Years later, learning that the most important thing I lose were my confidence and trust.
I already knew that I would grow old with those nightmares.
But what can I do?
I have no choice but to carry them. Embracing, they said.

But you know what comes after you embrace your scars? Insecurities.
I believe everyone lives with one.
What matter is, how well do you deal with your insecurities?
How about you?

In the name of latte you order every day, that much is the luck follows.
In the name of applause you get on every stages, that much is the bless given.
In the name of love you received every single day, that much is the smile should bloom.
Nothing, but happiness.
Cheers for your dreams.
You're living 'em.

Stay cool and grateful, xx.

Apa karena menjalani hubungan orang (yang sudah) dewasa, lantas tak lagi saling bertukar salam?

"Pergi saja ke Minimarket terdekat untuk salam yang kamu butuhkan."

Selamat pagi, selamat belanja.
Selamat siang, sekalian pulsanya?
Selamat malam, i love you.

Salam. Buah perhatian yang terabaikan.
Memuai kemudian, hilang.

All of my life, I have been taught that there is no waste of doing good/being good.
Also Mother taught me that being a good person takes courage, takes your self. By any means, you required to be a self-less person.
I have been watching countless title of movies, and the protagonist is mostly a self-less idiot. And most of the times, they don't get what they want in life. They gave them up to someone they loved, or cared about.
Turned out, that is true.

In real life, as I suddenly being 24. (YES, I didn't realize I am already 7 years away from legal age. Damn it, time.)
I have a lot of thoughts about it, and those thoughts were started because of the disappointments I encountered in daily life.
As expected from life. Best teacher.

When I started this post, I didn't mean to complain about life.
I just don't want to get used of being called "dangkal", just because my feelings were hurted by others and I stated my disappointment. It felt like I was the one to blame because I feel disappointed with other person's action towards me. Then how is it for them? Don't they have to think about others' feelings? Don't you have to try not to hurt others?
I was being hurted for every thoughtful things I did for others. I don't want to be spesific.
The thing is, it was hurts.


Words are mean.
Feeling is wounded.
Life happens.

I can't escape the cycle. Neither run from it.

Akhirnya sang Biru berubah Merah.
Proses menyenangkan yang cukup menjawab pertanyaan.
Ternyata sekitar berpura-pura tidak tahu, mengasah keahlian menipu.
Bukan keadaan yang disalahkan kali ini, bukan juga bagian waktu yang terbebani.
Berhentilah.
Jangan penuh sesal dan keluh.
Siapkan pijakan.
Jangan dulu berlari, coba saja berdiri.
Merah tidak selamanya marah, dia mungkin segera berubah.
Sang Abu menunggu.
Bukan.. Tidak untuk menjadi ragu, terlebih sendu..
Hanya transisi, sebelum kembali berubah.
Entah Hitam, entah Putih.
Tidak boleh ada yang tahu, asal kali ini tidak lagi terburu.



Jogja, 18 Mei 2012

Kurasa lebih penting menjadi legowo, ketimbang menjadi sempurna.
Selain karena menjadi sempurna itu nyaris mustahil, juga karena sempurna itu hampir 20.000 rupiah harganya..... hehe betul, itu mah sampurna mild ya.

Jadi sempurna (oi, cuma Tuhan aja yang sempurna) itu tidak serta merta membuatmu bebas dari mulut-mulut usil sesama penghuni dunia. Sesama pemakan nasi dan karbohidrat lainnya yang sama-sama akan berujung jadi tai yang ga jauh beda sama omongan mereka baunya.

Makanya lebih bermanfaat untuk jadi orang yang bisa legowo.
Stay cool meskipun jadi korban mulut usil nan bau itu.
Tapi dalam hati ga boleh, "ngaca sek cuk!" lho ya! Nanti jadi sama aja kayak mereka.
Dibiasakan ikhlas dan legowo kalau ada bau mulut yang berusaha merusak indra penciumanmu.

Kalau udah legowo kayaknya hidup akan lebih tenang, nyaman, dan semoga lebih banyak berkatnya dibanding wasting emosi karena mulut orang-orang yang ga betah kalau ga dipakai buat ngatain orang lain hehehe

Legowo juga kayaknya sih, kayaknya loh ya.. jangan percaya seratus persen sama omonganku, percaya ma Gusti aja. bukan Gusti Arirang juga! Gusti yang di atas sana!
Legowo juga bisa memberi makan sistem kekebalan self esteem kita, biar ga mudah lelah bahkan jatuh huhu
soalnya jatuh itu sakit

Stay cool!
ditulis oleh orang yang jaman sekolah dibully, "kaya enggak, pinter enggak, cantik enggak, apa sih yang bisa dibanggain dari kamu?"
hahahahahahahahaha I still remember the details, I even still have the captured of those hurtful "tweet" *pendendam*


YK, 20 Januari 2017